Flinch
by gemma-liz
Summary: C.J had to use years of keeping her composure not to flinch at the mention of Toby


Title: Flinch

Author: Gemma_liz

Rating: R

Paring: CJ & Toby, post administration  

POV: CJ 

Summary: CJ has to use years of keeping her composure not to flinch at the mention of Toby

Disclaimer: Not mine, not making any money, please don't sue me

Note: Not exactly my first fic, but it's the first one I've posted so feedback of any kind would be gratefully received, with thanks to Sarah who is a complete star!

***** - denotes flashback

CJ blinked rapidly as she woke up. The blinds at her window, not fully closed, allowed streams of bright California sun to come through. She sighed deeply and rolled over to look at her clock waiting for her eyes to adjust. She felt the edge of her bed and wearily pushed herself up to look at the clock face, squinting to make the numbers clearer through the lack of glasses or contact lenses.

"Five-o-five," she muttered to herself, collapsing back into bed. "Oh well, old habits die hard." She wondered why she felt the need to voice that now, the Bartlet administration had left the White House two years ago and still she woke up around five am on a regular basis, despite always setting her alarm two hours later.

CJ got out of bed and made her way slowly to the bathroom. She turned on the shower and looked in the mirror, smoothing her hands over her cheeks and stretching the skin slightly. People told her she looked great and that she'd not changed a bit but when she looked in the mirror these days she didn't like what she saw and it made her feel old and tired. CJ wondered when she'd got so self-deprecating. Sighing heavily, she hung her head and yawned, rubbing her aching shoulders. She shrugged off her nightgown and it pooled on the floor at her feet before she kicked it away and stepped into the shower letting the water soothe her.

Half an hour later, CJ filled the coffee machine and flipped the switch. "Another old habit," she told herself as she grabbed the top newspaper from the large pile and scanned it. She spotted the date in the top corner and stopped. The sound of the water dripping through the coffee machine was all that filled the room and her wet hair dripped onto her dressing gown, but still CJ was transfixed by the date knowing it meant something to her but being unable to remember what. 

"Damn it," she swore under her breath, tossing the paper across the kitchen table in frustration. She turned away and grabbed a coffee mug from the draining board and moving to the coffee machine, waited impatiently for it to finish, needing to feel the jolt of caffeine. She closed her eyes and inhaled the smell then she froze again. Her eyes widened and she turned back toward the discarded newspaper. 

"Toby," she whispered almost inaudibly, feeling the pang of hurt and loss she always felt when she thought of him. She rubbed at her chest, feeling the loss physically as though it was only five minutes ago since she had walked out of his apartment after another one of their raging arguments that finally tore them apart. CJ shook herself and turned back to the coffee, pouring a cup and taking a large mouthful. The freshly boiled liquid scalded her tongue and throat like she had hoped it would, hoping it would take her mind off Toby. "So that's why I'm so melancholy today," she said thoughtfully, drawing a glass of water to soothe her mouth and wondering when she'd started drinking her coffee black. It had all seemed so perfect to begin with.

*****

From her seat at the bar, CJ looked over at Toby. She had just finished her sixth Jack Daniels of the night and her vision was blurring around the edges. Years of being alert for President Bartlet had left her unaccustomed to drinking sessions like this. She shook her head in an attempt to clear her sight but immediately regretted it when her head swam and a wave of nausea washed over her. Gripping the bar, she waited for the dizziness to pass and when it did she released the bar and sat up straighter hoping she wouldn't fall off. She looked over at Toby who was looking decidedly amused.

"You ok there CJ?" he asked, unsuccessfully trying to keep the amusement out of his voice.

"Yeah, but I think that should be my last Jack Daniels." She tried to look hurt at his smirking but when he smiled at her she could only smile back. "I know you told me not to start on the JD but…oh well," she said, waving her hand dismissively.

Toby laughed a little. "C'mon CJ, I'll take you home." He got down and took her arm, sliding her off the stool slowly and dropping a few bills on the bar. Leading her out he picked up her coat and hung it over his arm.

The cold night air hit CJ as she walked out of the bar though it was refreshing in comparison to the stifling, smoky atmosphere indoors. She instantly felt more sober and was suddenly self-conscious of the fact that Toby was still supporting her.

"Really Toby, I can walk," CJ said taking her arm away from his and reaching for her coat, hoping she didn't sound too ungrateful. Toby didn't seem to notice her tone and while she put on her coat he managed to find a cab. She followed him in and then leant against the door, closing her eyes as Toby gave the driver her address.

"Hey CJ, you're not falling asleep on me are you?" Toby asked as the cab pulled away.

Determined to prove Toby wrong, CJ opened her eyes and sat up properly, only to find Toby watching her. The intensity of his gaze threw her off for a second and her breath caught in her throat. "Nah, you can't get rid of me that easily Toby," she replied quickly, hoping to fill the sudden silence that was unnerving her. She flashed a grin before falling back into the corner of the cab and in between the seat and the door she closed her eyes again. She purposefully kept her expression neutral but could feel his eyes on her as her heart hammered in her chest.

When the cab pulled up at her apartment, CJ steeped out and slipped off her shoes. The cold sidewalk felt soothing against her warm feet and she walked up to her front door catching sight of Toby rolling his eyes at her stocking feet. 

"Oh Toby, don't look like that. I was only outside for a minute." She dumped her shoes behind the door and pulled off her coat, dropping it on a chair in the living room along with her suit jacket. Next, she untucked her shirt and undid the rest of the buttons to reveal the white camisole underneath. "I'm going to make some coffee, what do you want?" she asked, making her way to the kitchen as Toby put his jacket over hers.

"You have JD right?" Toby shouted in her direction, looking over at the cupboard where he knew she kept her alcohol.

"Yeah Toby, just for you!" CJ called back. "I'll get you some ice."

CJ was looking through her freezer when Toby wandered into the kitchen with a large measure of whiskey in his tumbler. Kicking the freezer door shut with her foot she turned to offer him the ice before resuming making coffee. 

Returning to the living room, CJ smiled when she saw Toby watching CNN while sipping his drink. "I think I actually miss the constant news," she reflected, sitting down on the couch and blowing on her hot coffee.  

"There's no way you can ever break the habit CJ. In years to come you'll still have the news on all the time and I bet you'll read several papers a day."

CJ laughed. "Yeah probably, but then it could depend on what I'm doing. I mean, I may be unemployed at the moment but I've had several job offers which would require me to keep up with the news."

"You'll still have it on all the time. Have you decided what you're going to do yet?" Toby asked hearing the mention of jobs.

"Give me a chance Toby, we've barely left the White House. I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to enjoy my freedom, sleep in the morning…" CJ trailed off when Toby chuckled. "What?" she questioned.

"That's another thing I can't see happening. You've been getting up between four thirty and five for eight years now CJ. You really think you're gonna slip back into your California hours?"

"Toby, really you know me far too well." 

"As you do me."

They smiled at each other, sipping their drinks until Toby shifted slightly and cleared his throat. "CJ…" he began, putting down his glass and gazing at CJ with the same intensity as earlier. 

Just like before, CJ felt her heart hammering and as she stared into his eyes she felt a wave of desire wash over her. Feelings that she'd kept buried for years were surfacing and she knew it wasn't all because of the alcohol consumption. She reached out and put her cup down, keeping her eyes on Toby. They moved until their faces were almost touching, their breaths mingling, and then Toby lifted his hand up behind her head and leant in to kiss her. His fingers tangled in her hair as the kiss, which was slow at first, became more passionate. The coffee on her lips mixed with the whiskey on his. CJ moved her hand to Toby's hair and deepened the kiss, moaning into his mouth when his hands grazed her breast through the sheer fabric of the camisole. Eventually they broke for air and Toby opened his mouth to speak but CJ held a finger to his lips, smiling slyly as she pulled him up and led him to her bedroom.

*****

CJ wiped away the tears that were spilling down her cheeks. The memory of that first night hit her with full force as she remembered how happy she had been, how great she had felt finally being with Toby. She thought of his words from that evening as she looked at the many newspapers strewn in front of her and couldn't help but laugh hollowly.

"Well, you may have not been right about us but you were right about some things Toby." She wondered what a psychiatrist would think of her talking out loud to empty rooms but shrugged, realising it wasn't something new, especially not these days.

CJ jumped as the phone rang and she quickly wiped her eyes and took a deep breath in an effort to sound composed. "CJ Cregg," she said picking up the receiver.

"Hey CJ, its Maggie. I'm sorry, I know it's your day off but I just wanted to check you're ready for the Democratic women's lunch tomorrow."

CJ nodded. "Yeah. Do we have a final number?"

"I just confirmed it a few minutes ago, sixty two."

"We've added two? Who are they? I'll need to add them to the press release."

CJ waited while Maggie sorted through her file. "Umm, Kate Atkinson and Andrea Wyatt."

CJ's breathe stopped at the sound of Andi's name. She knew Andi and Toby were still close and raising the twins remarkably well despite not living together.

"CJ, you still there?" Maggie asked when CJ remained silent.

"Yeah, yeah sorry Maggie. So, err, Kate Atkinson and Andrea Wyatt."

"Yeah. Are you sure you're ok CJ? You sound a bit-"

"I'm fine."

"CJ…"

"I'm fine," CJ snapped, hoping to signal the end of this topic. "I'll fax you the paperwork as soon as I can," she finished. 

"Ok, thanks." Maggie hesitated, unconvinced that CJ was fine but aware that CJ blatantly didn't want to talk about it.  

CJ cut the connection knowing Maggie would worry but she wasn't in the mood to care right now. She'd deal with it tomorrow if she had to but right now all she could think about was Andi and whether Toby would be with her. From friends still in DC, CJ knew that even after two years of unanswered letters, e-mails and phone calls, Toby would still ask after her. 

She hoped that Toby didn't hate her too much for ignoring him but a part of her thought that maybe it would be easier if he did. Maybe then he'd let go and forget about her. But, she wondered absently, why should he for she certainly hadn't forgotten him. She wondered if he knew how she'd suffered every time he had tried to contact her. How seeing his name on her caller ID had made her cry, her hand shaking over the phone as she willed herself not to answer. How she'd questioned herself daily on her decision to move back to California in attempt to break away from him. If she loved him so much why had she left? 

The rational side of her knew the answer. While things would have been great to begin with, the arguments would have started shortly after. They would have ended up hurting each other so much and the physical signs would have been nothing compared to the emotional scars left behind. If their screaming matches didn't end with one of them leaving, the demanding sex that ensued would leave both of them physically and emotionally drained as they tried to posses each other and push away the pain their words had caused each other.

CJ picked up her coffee cup and tipped out the cold remnants of her third cup. Pouring herself a fresh cup, she walked to her desk to finish off her work, remembering only last week Toby had asked after her when a mutual colleague had met him in DC. When the congressman brought it up, CJ had had to use years of keeping her composure not to flinch at the mere mention of Toby's name. 

All of a sudden CJ realised when she'd become so self deprecating- it was when she'd left him. Though despite the pain they had cause each other, part of her would always belong to him and without him that part of her would always be missing leaving her feeling empty.

*****

CJ sipped at her wine, surveying the empty bottle on the table. She could already feel its affects, her cheeks were flushed and warm, and she knew that she shouldn't have drunk so much especially knowing what it was likely to lead to. Yet it was nothing in comparison to the nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels that Toby had consumed. It puzzled CJ how they had ended up like this, sitting in silence getting drunk. Neither barely looked at the other and while CJ accepted their stony silences were happening too often, she didn't know how to stop it.

"Toby…Toby?" CJ waited for him respond, watching as he picked up his drink and drained the glass. "So you're just gonna ignore me now, is that it?" CJ asked angrily, unable to stop herself despite the reaction she knew it was likely to get. Of course that's why she'd said it, it may have been partly alcohol induced but she'd never been a woman afraid to speak her mind.

"What do you want from me CJ? You know if we start now it's gonna end up in an argument so why bother?" Toby almost shouted.

"I want you to respond when I speak to you Toby, we have to start this sometime, this-" CJ waved her hand around the room, "-this 'thing'. We can't keep doing this." CJ slammed her glass down hard and jumped up, wondering how it hadn't shattered.

"Well don't walk away from me then! You can't do that CJ, you can't say we have to talk and then walk away. That's not how it works!" Toby slammed his own glass down and followed her into the kitchen. He found her stood leaning against the counter on one hand with the other over her eyes.

"CJ…" Toby spoke softly, his anger dissipating. He moved towards her and held her wrists, pulling her away from the counter. When she tried to pull away Toby's grip increased and CJ was reminded of the previous bruises from arguments like this. She didn't want that again and so she relented, letting him hold her close as they wrapped their arms around each other. His apology was in his actions while she whispered hers into his neck. 

CJ lifted her head from his shoulder and kissed him softly as Toby's hand came up to cup her breast through her camisole, teasing at her nipple with his thumb. They taunted each other for several minutes and then Toby pushed her against the counter top, sucking her tongue into his mouth causing her to moan and lean into him. She deftly unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants letting them fall around his ankles as their actions became more insistent. CJ broke the kiss and looked at Toby for a second before pushing his boxer shorts over his hips and releasing him enough for him to kick them away along with his pants. Then she grabbed his shoulders for support as he pulled her skirt off and pushed her panties aside before sliding two fingers into her finding her already wet for him and more than halfway to release. 

He watched with a satisfied smile as she bit her lip to keep from calling out. He reached to twist and pump his fingers inside her causing her knees buckle. As he reached to steady her, he slid his fingers out and kissed her again pulling her forward to meet him. Their lips, swollen and wet, clashed as their eyes met. Their faces were flushed with passion and desire and their breaths were hot and ragged.

Toby lunged at CJ and she held onto him tightly, her finger nails digging into the flesh on his back. With open eyes he slid into her in one forceful stroke, swallowing each other's groans at the contact. They were both so close to release that they struggled to hold back and enjoy the movement of their bodies and mingled breaths. CJ called out his name as he gasped hers, pulling her in closer as he made deep thrusts in a consuming rhythm. He bent to suck at her nipple now freed from her bra and open blouse and as he moved within her he begged for release. CJ, beginning to clench around him and with her legs trembling, strove to climax.

Toby continued to drive deeply into her, swallowing her moans with a smile as her body clenched around him and pulled him deep, wrenching his release inside her. Even once they had both come he continued to thrust involuntarily within her for several moments, loving the feel of her hot mouth against his neck and her hot body around him. 

CJ clutched at his back and allowed her legs to slide down, slipping off the counter to the ground where she whimpered at the strained muscles and the loss of the feel of him inside her. Toby continued to hold her and when she lowered her face to his shoulder he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair.

"You ok?" he whispered gently and got his response when CJ nodded and led him to the bedroom. 

*****

CJ groaned in frustration and threw the pillow across the room, cursing the memories that were floating around her mind. She'd been trying to get to sleep for three hours now but had been distracted. She'd thought she'd got over this months ago but it seemed Toby was invading her sleeping moments as well as her waking ones. She took several calming breaths and willed herself to be still, trying to clear her mind and to stop reliving old experiences.

Eventually she got to sleep and when she woke up a few hours later it was with a start causing her to sit bolt upright in bed with her breathe coming in short gasps. She held a hand to her forehead to find it hot and sweaty and she tried to recall the dream but it faded as quickly as she'd woken. Grabbing her glasses of her cabinet she looked at the clock and almost laughed. "Five-o-six!" she said loudly. "Well, at least I got another minute today." She noted to herself that was talking out loud again but ignored the rational voice and instead got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom throwing the pillow back on the bed.

"Hey CJ, you staying at the hotel tonight?" Maggie asked several hours later as she appeared at CJ's office door.

"What? Oh yeah…sorry Maggie, I was miles away." CJ looked up from her work, suddenly realising her assistant's presence. "Yeah, I'll be there, after all it's being paid for by the company and it beats driving home." CJ grinned.

"Well maybe if you've got time later we can have a drink."

"Yeah, that'd be great, but first I've got these to finish, sorry, I'll see you there?"

"Yeah, no problem. See you soon." Maggie smiled and left and CJ breathed a sigh of relief. She was sure Maggie was going to question her about yesterday's phone conversation, enquiring why CJ was so thrown. But CJ didn't want to admit the problem even if it had been the reason why she'd only had four hours sleep before a women's democratic fundraising lunch.

Later that afternoon, with the lunch having been a success, CJ grabbed a glass of wine from a small table and took a large mouthful. Most people had left already left and CJ was now exhausted from her lack of sleep. She glanced at her watch, speculating whether she could just get through the next half hour without running into Andi or anyone who knew Toby. If she could just go back to her room and take a long bath and get a couple of hours sleep she'd feel better, the she could meet Maggie after. But just then CJ noticed Lisa Cross trying to get her attention and CJ smiled politely and wandered over.

CJ sighed as she closed the door and collapsed against it, happy that it was all done with and she could spend a few hours resting. She rubbed her aching shoulders with her hands and lay down on the bed, letting her long legs hang over the sides as she closed her eyes. 

She had planned on curling up and getting some decent sleep but when she next opened her eyes she realised she fallen asleep in an uncomfortable position. She went to the bathroom and splashed water over her face hoping to wake herself up and moved to the bath to turn on the faucet, but she was interrupted by a knock. CJ laughed humourlessly moving slowly to the door. 

"Hey CJ. Everything ok?" Maggie asked, looking irritatingly alert. 

"Yeah, everything's fine. Do you wanna come in?"

Maggie hesitated for a second noticing how tired her boss looked. "If that's ok. I'll only stay a moment." Maggie was genuinely concerned that she was disturbing CJ.

"No problem and don't worry, I just woke up. I bet I look awful," CJ said with a small laugh, moving back to hold the door open.

"I just wanted to say well done, today was a great success."

"Yeah, it was good," CJ agreed.

"I was talking to Andrea Wyatt today, she's a lovely woman, and she mentioned that she knows you."

CJ stopped taking a deep breath, not liking were this was going. "Yeah, we've known each other for while. She was a congresswoman while I was at the White House."

"Yeah, so she said. She said you're friends with her ex-husband…Toby, is it?"

"Yeah," CJ said faintly, finding it hard to catch her breath.

"Well she told me that you'd not seen each other for ages but he's come down to take care of their twins. Apparently she wanted to take them to California so he came too. Anyway, I thought you might like to know, he's in the room next to yours." Maggie finished with a smile and CJ could tell by her tone that Maggie had no idea how this news had affected CJ. She sat down feeling dizzy and paralysed at the thought of seeing Toby.

"Does he know…I mean, that I'm in this room?"

"Well, Andi didn't say so. I think she just wanted me to tell you that he was here so you two could say hi." When CJ remained silent, Maggie grew concerned. "CJ, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just feeling a little dizzy. Do you mind if we take a rain check on tonight, I think I need to get some rest."

"Yeah sure CJ, call me if you need anything." Maggie lingered for a second before leaving quietly. 

Alone again, CJ took a deep breath and then stood up, feeling trapped and panicky. The prospect of seeing Toby again overwhelmed her and she quickly gathered her papers and stuffed them into her bag before grabbing her overnight bag and moving towards the door. As she reached the door she stopped, her shaking hand hovering over the handle. "What if he's stood on the other side," she thought irrationally. She took several large breathes in an effort to clam herself and opened the door to find the corridor empty. 

She left her key card on the reception desk and went to her car, fishing in her pocket for the key. She threw her bags on the back seat and drove away quickly hoping that Toby wouldn't try to find Maggie in hopes of contacting her again.

CJ pushed her apartment door shut with her foot and dropped her bags. She slid down to the floor and leant her head against her knees, fighting back the tears as she remember the last time she had run from Toby.

 *****

CJ listened to her and Toby's breathes returning to normal, their bodies still slick with sweat. Despite the fact that the sex had been great CJ knew they'd used it again to stop the inevitable row. Lying in bed CJ was suddenly overcome with the feeling that this was tearing her apart and while this awareness had been under the surface for a while, she couldn't contain it any longer.

"Toby, I…I can't do this anymore," CJ said quietly, sitting up and pulling the sheet around her.

"What do you mean? Can't do what?"

"It's destroying us, it's destroying me…we can't live like this anymore Toby."

"CJ…" Toby reached for her. "What do you mean?"

CJ moved away from him, wrapping the fabric tightly around her and climbing off the bed. "This Toby!" she said angrily gesturing between herself, him and the bed. "The arguments, or having sex before we get that far. This isn't a relationship Toby!" She began to gather up her clothes, pulling them on hastily.

"Where you going CJ? It's three in the morning."

"I'm going home Toby…to pack."

"Pack? What for?"

"I've had a job offer in California and I'm going to take it…I'll be leaving in two days."

"What! Two days! When were you going to tell me?" he shouted angrily. 

She snorted. "We haven't spoken for three days Toby! I accepted the offer two days ago and that's what I came to tell you tonight."

"So, what was this?" Toby gestured with his hands "A farewell screw?"

"You know what Toby, fuck you! You've said some pretty shitty things to me in your time but that was out of line and you know it!" CJ was furious with him for even thinking it, knowing it wasn't the Toby she knew and aware that was perhaps half the problem. Now dressed, CJ strode out the room.

"CJ, I'm sorry…please, you can't just leave like this." Toby followed her out, tying a robe around himself.

"Yes Toby, I can…I don't know you anymore, I don't know me anymore. This is not how it's meant to be," CJ said tearfully as she picked up her coat and walk towards the door. Toby ran to her, grabbing her wrist and pushing her against the door.

"CJ, no!"

"Toby let me go."

"No CJ, I won't."

"Toby… Toby, you're hurting me, let go!"

Seeing her fear, Toby loosened his grip slightly and immediately CJ pulled away from him, opening the door and rushing down the stairs. Outside she jumped in her car as quickly as possible and locked the doors. She blinked away her tears and steered the vehicle out the lot, unable to decide whether staying or leaving would hurt her more.

*****

CJ pushed herself up off the floor and wiped at her eyes, feeling emotionally drained. She wondered how long Toby was going to affect her like this and felt angry with herself for her reaction to being close to him after these years of distance. She was relieved she hadn't run into him, afraid of her reaction. The memories she'd been pouring over were enough as it was and part of her wondered if she'd could walk away a second time.

She went to the kitchen and poured herself a large glass of wine. Having missed out on a bath at the hotel she went to run a bath, promising herself an early night to try to push away the memories. 

CJ woke up to a pounding headache and groaned loudly; glad she'd remembered to close her blinds before collapsing into bed last night. She wondered if it would be five-o-seven this morning to keep the pattern of previous mornings but she blinked in surprise as it read eight fifty. Sitting up in bed quickly was a big mistake as her head swam and she groaned again holding her hand to her head.

"I'm giving up drinking," she murmured under her breath, knowing it was a flat out lie. She slipped out of bed slowly and made her way to the bathroom.

After a rejuvenating bath, CJ took a couple of pain killers and swigged them down with some black coffee. She was just debating breakfast when someone knocked on her front door. Paranoia kicked in and she froze feeling the exact same panic as she did back at the hotel. She forced herself to breathe and went to the door telling herself it couldn't possibly be him. 

"You CJ Cregg?" a young man asked roughly, looking impatient.

"Err…yeah."

"Sign here," he said pushing a clipboard into CJ's hands. 

She took the pen and signed her name before the deliveryman swiftly swapped the form for a small envelope. Once he disappeared down the corridor, CJ shut her door and sat down on the couch. She studied the envelope with shaking hands before turning it over and sliding a finger under the flap. She drew out a small piece of paper and turned it over to find two words written in a scrawl as familiar as her own. 

"Goodbye CJ"

She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block the tears that threatened to fall. "No more running," she whispered as the paper dropped to the floor.


End file.
